~YOUR THOUGHTS
9 Years ago I was in a relationship with a boy who was just the sweetest person in the world to me, he was so in love with me, and for some reason we broke up and I moved out of town, I was 18 at the time, and was really immature, he was 24 and really immature as well.
We always thought we´d have another chance to be together, but we didn’t stay in touch. Somehow he got my phone and he texted me 5 years later, it was my birthday and I was genuinly happy to hear from him. A month later he came to see me to my new city, but I don´t even know why, we didn’t do anything, we both liked each other, and loved spending time together but nothing happened. We let that opportunity passed bye.
A few months later I was alone, and I met a boy, who was crazy about me, and who treated me really well, even though I didn’t love him, but I saw in him some great values and I felt really comfortable with him. So I got pregnant a year later, and I was devastated, even thought I always wanted to be a mom someday, I wasn´t quiet sure that I wanted him to be the father of my children, and I didn’t want to marry him, but he really wanted me to marry me.
My mother talked to me, she was happy for us, because she really liked him, and she was thrilled to become a grandma.
I felt so confused, so alone, and everyone was just rooting for him, everyone said he was so right for me, that he really loved me, and I could never find a guy like him.
So I married him, and started to act like a wife, trying to convince myself that I belonged with him, pretending to be happy, trying really hard to love him.
But it just didn´t happened, so I really forgot about love, and started to be a mom, I adore my child, she´s my everything, she´s my angel, and I tried to give her a family, a home, and she´s really happy, she has stability, and we both adore her.
So my marriage, all of the sudden started to feel so empty, like we are brother and sister, and I honestly care about him, I don´t want to hurt him, but I don´t love him… He´s my best friend.
For the last couple of years he´s been really busy, and he´s almost never home, and he´s gained some weight, a lot actually, so now I don´t even find him attractive, like I used to… It´s like we have become relatives, other than husband and wife.
So, I always thought about my ex, the one I let go, we stayed in touch through all this years, not frequently, but still.
Anyway, 6 moths ago, we started talking on a deeper level, and he asked me how was I, and I don´t know why, but I told him I wasn´t happy, and through the conversation he told me he´s still in love with me… That he kept every memory, every gift, everything I ever shared with him.
Which felt like a bomb, because I´ve always had feelings for him.
Later on he told me he´s had a girlfriend for almost 2 years, and that he never loved her, that the only woman he´s ever been in love with is me.
So he asked me if he could come and see me, and I said no, but we kept texting each other, like sharing memories, and catching up with our lives.
So one day I told him he could come over to my new town, and I was planning on telling him to never ever mention that he loves me again, because I am a married woman, but when I saw him everything changed, it was like I had the same feelings for all this years, it felt like time had never passed us by.
So he kissed me, and I felt the exact same love I felt 9 years ago.
Our story always felt like it didn’t have closure, and we always thought we would be together again, although though the years we both had let go. Or at least we thought so.
So We´ve been in a “relationship” for the last 4 months, and it´s been so hard for me, because I´m not free to love him, and he´s still with his girlfriend, even though he says he loves ME, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
He´s never been married, he´s 34 and his girlfriend is 23, so he´s only been in the boyfriend/girlfriend kind of relationships.
So one day I asked him what was going on, why he couldn´t leave her, and he said that it´s because she was a virgin when she met him, and he convinced him to have sex with him, and that he feels terribly because of that, cause she was saving her virginity till marriage, and he knew he didn’t loved her, but still convinced her to. So now she thinks they´re gonna get married one day.
And my marriage is worst and worst, I don´t even want to kiss my husband, I just don´t see him like that, and I´m madly in love with my ex…
And I know he loves me too, cause he cares about me, he´s always in touch, he cries when we broke up, he says he doesn´t want to loose me, and still he just doesn´t leave her.
I talked to my husband and told him I want to separate from him, and it didn’t took him by surprise, cause he knows we´re not right, but still he wants me to stay. But I don´t… So now I´m about to leave him.
Yesterday I talked to my ex and he told me he just can´t leave her, not for at least another 10 months, and I don´t know why.
So I cried and told him to leave me, cause I just can´t be in this situation anymore, and he said he can´t leave me, because he LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME, not her, ME. And I´ve told him I just can´t go on with this, and I feel so sad with this situation, but I feel like I can´t breathe without him, I´m really in love.
So he said he will leave her, but not now, because he wants her to fall out of love with him, he says he doesn´t wanna hurt her… But he´s hurting me.
So I don´t know what to do, I feel like I´m risking everything and he just can´t do anything for me, for our love, cause if we really want to be together we both are gonna have to make some big decisions, and I feel alone in this.
So, please help me, I need someone to tell me what I can´t see because I feel blinded by love, and by this whole mess.
Thanks!!
~MY THOUGHTS
What a mess! Okay, you have a lot going on here and it seems that you are intertwining separate issues. Let’s untangle.
1) You are unhappy with your husband and never loved him. Then why don’t you leave him? Like, before the ex returned to the scene, why didn’t you reclaim your life and independence and leave your husband? Because I wonder if you’d leave him if the ex hadn’t re-entered the scene. That’s an important question that you need to ask yourself. Do things seem worse in your marriage now that the ex is back?
2) The ex. Why didn’t you stay together way back when? If you were truly meant to be, wouldn’t you have been? I’m familiar with thinking that there’s someone out there who was “the one that got away.” I really am. The reality is that there is usually a reason why it didn’t work out. You cannot use your relationship as it is today to serve as any indication of how you’d be in real life. It’s not realistic; it’s romantic. If you were both single, trying to build a life together, as well as blend your daughter into the mix, things would probably feel quite different. It may work, it may not, but you have no idea based on current circumstances.
The decisions you need to make are completely separate. If you want to leave your husband, do it. Do it for you, do it because you want your daughter to grow up knowing that marriage is supposed to be a representation of love. Do it so that your husband can go and find a woman who truly adores him just the way he is. Don’t all three of you deserve that?
Don’t leave your husband because you think you are headed to a better situation. That’s a recipe for disaster because, chances are, the reality will not live up to your expectations. You even said it yourself: You are blinded by love. When you are in a blind state, you shouldn’t make major life decisions. Blind=Can’t properly survey the situation.
Now, about the guy. He’s with a woman because he promised he’d marry her even though he knew he didn’t love her. He lied to her so that she’d have sex with him. If you heard a random story about a man doing that, what would your opinion of that man be? His actions make a huge statement about his character and aren’t you fortunate enough to get this sneak preview? Do you really respect a man who would do that to someone?
He isn’t willing to leave her. He wants her to fall out of love with him so it will end. It sounds to me like his immaturity issues are as present today as they were nine years ago when you two kids couldn’t make it work. Adults don’t handle relationships that way. The “act like a jerk so the girlfriend will ditch you” ploy is a sixteen year old tactic. You, as a mother, don’t have the time or tolerance for a teenager who poses as a life partner.
FAT-FREE ADVICE: DETERMINE THE FATE OF YOUR MARRIAGE WITHOUT THE INFLUENCE OF OUTSIDE FACTORS, RECONSIDER A GUY WHO WILL SAY ANYTHING TO GET LAID.
