~YOUR THOUGHTS~
Hi, I am so confussed!! I have been married for 5 yrs. and together w/ my husband for 8 1/2 yrs. I have 2 boys, one who is 10 from a previous relationship, and one that is 4 from this marriage. My oldest son has been w/ my husband from the time he was in diapers and cant remember life w/out him. BTY, They dont get along, and my husband says he has no respect for him due to my lack of respect, and I say to my husband, “you have been w/ him for 8 yrs and you have established the lack of respect” along w/ many other issues between them!
My husband and I have been seperated and living apart for 7 months this time, and last year for three months. We argue ALL the time even in front of the kids!! Although, I still love him and he still loves me (I think, or so he says) we CAN NOT seem to get along. We have tried marriage counseling! We both don’t want divorce, otherwise I think we would have filed already, but we just can’t seem to get along! His family (mom, dad, sistars, etc) in my opinion have a major impact on our relationship, but he thinks it’s all my “bitching & complaining & downgrading” him.
We have not had sex in at least 8 months!!!! And when I ask him about it he says ” “I have so much on my mind other than sex, or… How can I have sex with you, all you do is bitch at me?” What do I do? Sometimes he says “Lets get a divorce” and other times he says “Lets work it out” but his actions ALWAYS say, “I don’t want this to work”. I am so scared to live w/ out a husband, and raise 2 boys on my own, but I am also scared of living a life w/out love and showing my boys a marriage that is not right. I know it’s complicated and a lot to ask, and I have already been given advise, but I am curious what you would say about my situation. Most People say I should get a divorce, but as a child of divorce, I don’t want my kids to go thru that if I can help it. I just want them to see a happy marriage, Can I make my marriage work, or do I give up?
~MY THOUGHTS~
You actually answered your own question. ”… his actions ALWAYS say, ‘I don’t want this to work.’” One person just cannot save a marriage. And it doesn’t sound like he’s contributing a whole lot toward the repair effort. His energies seem to be focused squarely on blaming you for the failure.
You said that you don’t want your kids to be children of divorce. Sure, it would be great if they could witness a happy marriage, but that’s not on the menu at this time. Do you think your oldest son doesn’t sense that his father doesn’t like him? It is so damaging for a child not to feel unconditional love from a parent. Not only will he carry that feeling of worthlessness, he’ll be angry at you for allowing this to happen.
If I were you, I’d want my kids out of that situation immediately. A major amount of marital and family counseling and down in the dirt work and reparation would have to occur for this to be a happy and functioning family unit. Is your husband willing to do that? According to his actions, no.
Divorce sucks. Kids having to go through a divorce sucks. Divorce should be avoided at all costs because it sucks. I want to be clear on that. But fighting parents, witnessing a loveless marriage (you say you love each other, but that’s just words. Does his actions and behavior support those words?) and feeling a father’s resentment? It sucks even more. It changes the very fabric of who your kids are. I really cannot over-express how deeply the absence of a father’s love or a mother’s protection can cut a child. It doesn’t matter how hard single parenthood is or how lonely a life that may be for you. Yes, it’s going to be really difficult. I was a single mother — it’s hard.
As an aside, as the tag line says, I have some brutal truth for you: You talk about wanting to have sex with him. Quite honestly, if someone — even my husband – treated my kid like that, I’d want to punch him in the face.
It’s time to get focused and get a plan. Consider what is truly, truly best for your boys. They’ll thank you for it.
FAT-FREE VERSION: Stop talking, start observing, decide based on actions and effort put forth.
