~YOUR THOUGHTS~
Hi Wendie!
Well, I’m not sure where to start.
I am sixteen years old. My mom and I are – and have always been – VERY close. She is the person in whom I confide almost everything, and I absolutely do not want that to change.
We have the stereotypical teenage daughter vs. mother arguements. Most of those are, admittedly, my own fault. These fights are easy to move on from and forget.
However, lately, we’ve been getting in very, VERY draining, emotional fights because she will not get out of my business.
She got a Facebook and began adding me and my friends. She proceeded to “facebook stalk” us one night and bombard me the next morning with questions about pictures, inside jokes, relationships, etc. etc.
I responded to this by shutting down my Facebook.
She has read through my texts, logged onto my computer (I am no longer allowed to have a password on my computer; this annoys her), and has a GPS on my phone – with which she locates my exact location whenever I leave the house.
I KNOW she does this out of love.
But she is also EXTREMELY nosy and it’s becoming too much.
When I try to bring it up she defends herself by saying that she “can and will do whatever she wants because she is my mother and as long as I’m living under her roof I live by her rules.”
I’m sure you’re familiar with that line.
Anyway. I’m guilty of being a snotty, teenage brat. I fully admit it.
But I want to approach her to fix this and NOT have it end up as World War III.
HOW???
Thank you so much and I’m sorry I wrote a novel.
~MY THOUGHTS~
Well, what you are going through is very normal. Your mom isn’t nosy … she’s afraid. We mothers have these babies and they have the nerve to grow up and spread their wings and I’m here to tell you that it’s a terrifying process for us moms. So it’s important for you to understand that her reactions don’t come from a place of wanting to ruin your life. It’s just really scary to see your little girl grow up.
However, I’m also not so old that I don’t remember what it was like to be a teenager. It’s that time that you just want to start carving out a life for yourself in which your mother isn’t a part of every aspect. I get it.
You and your mom need to talk … not fight. Timing is everything and I suggest you find time to chat when things are quiet and you are calm. Speak of how you feel rather than her actions. Don’t be accusatory. ”I feel” is an infinitely better approach than “You always”. I’d try something like this:
“Mom, I love that we’ve always been so close and I feel like I can talk to you about stuff. I have friends who don’t have that relationship with their moms. I want to know what things I can do to earn your trust. When you read my text messages or Facebook stalk me, it makes me feel like you don’t have faith in me. You raised me well, and your lessons are not lost on me. I don’t want to fight with you, but I also want to feel that you believe in me. And believe that I can make the right decisions in life.”
Now, this will go one of two ways. Hopefully, your mom will be reasonable enough to listen to you and this will start a healthy dialogue between the two of you. As a teenager, this is the time where you are supposed to be set forth into the world (in a limited fashion) to test the values and lessons that have been instilled in you. Kids who are sheltered usually end up turning into train wrecks in the adult world. I cannot overstate the importance of roots and wings. It’s critical that kids have confidence in themselves and the foundation their parents gave them before they go off to college or real life.
I don’t know your mom, her experiences, or her background. She could fly off the handle when you have this conversation with her. I think that would be a mistake, but it may happen. So many parents have teens that don’t speak to them and you seem to really crave an open and improved relationship. She’s very lucky to have you as a daughter. If she’s not open to loosening the reigns, there isn’t too much that you can do while you are under her roof.
I think with time and patience, you two can come to a common place of understanding. Work together so that you can both have more peace of mind.
FAT-FREE VERSION: Be calm, speak from the heart, never stop talking to your mom.
Getting a Facebook and adding all your friend? That is SO out of order. Just like the password and the GPS on your phone. Wendie is right, you should tell her how you feel, but I don’t agree with her saying your mum is worried. I think she’s too nosy. You need her to understand there are parts of your life she can’t be part of.
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Comment by Mire — August 4, 2009 @ 7:33 am
my mom is just like that and i didnt find that out until yesterday, a day AFTER I tried pot and so I’m fucked
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Comment by ashley — August 16, 2009 @ 3:20 pm
[...] FAT-FREE VERSION: READ THIS! [...]
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