Okay, so I can’t vlog quite yet because my computer is exploding and I can’t go Mac for a week. But in the meantime, I received this question and I know I have some readers who can help. So the written word will have to do.
~Your Thoughts~
So I thought my husband was having a nervous breakdown last week. He wasn’t going to work, wouldn’t speak to me, made commitments to our children that he broke repeatedly, and stopped paying bills. I finally dragged him to the emergency room, had a scene in the parking lot because he refused to go in with me until I called and asked for them to send someone out to get him, and then had hysterics in the waiting room. They asked him questions (including whether or not he drank–he said he didn’t, and I believed this), drew blood and I sat there and rubbed his back while he kept yelling, “I’m fine, I’m fine” until they gave him some IV anxiety meds. I felt so bad for him … until the doctor came in and said that his blood alcohol level was 390. I had no freaking idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He has been very good since he spent the night in the hospital detoxing. He has done what he needs to do to get back on good terms at work (he’s a statistical engineer and very valuable to his company, so I’m guessing this didn’t take much), he’s making progress with my girls, and he’s going to doctor and counseling appointments religiously.
The thing is, I don’t know how I can ever trust him again. He lied to me (I’d asked him if he was drinking and he said no) and completely shut me out of his life, and now after a week he wants to know why I don’t think everything is just the way they used to be (we had a dream marriage until about six months ago–this is when he started drinking, which I of course didn’t know). He gets very upset when I smell his breath or check his eyes.
Beyond anything he did to me, though, he drove around drunk with my children in the car. I don’t think I can forgive him for that, ever. My children are my life.
He refuses to go to marriage counseling (he says he’s in enough counseling right now), so I guess what I’m wondering is where I should go from here. I don’t see myself trusting him in the near future, and he burned a lot of the bridges that he’d built almost effortlessly over the years.
This is not a problem I ever thought I’d have, so I’m kind of at a loss here.
~My Thoughts~
I have questions (if you can answer here, post as anonymous): What happened six months ago to trigger this drinking? And do you really think it’s been just six months of drinking? I was very involved with someone who was a closet drinker. I dated him for two years and was married to him for another three. Near the end of our marriage, I started discovering a lot of empty beer cans in our garage. Like, a lot. And I was floored. But not. I didn’t consciously realize how much he was drinking but if I am totally honest, on some level I knew something wasn’t right for many years. Sometimes people do react to one specific situation and begin abusing alcohol, but I wonder if this isn’t a more long-term existing practice with your husband. So I dare suggest that you may not have known of his demons prior to six months ago, but they were there in the room with you. It wasn’t so much a “dream marriage” as it was an “ignorance is bliss marriage.” Last week, reality hit.
First and foremost, no matter how much he appears to be doing better, having a BAC of .390 last week and living to tell the tale means that this probably wasn’t his first drinking binge. A 220lb man would have to drink more than 20 sixteen-ounce beers in an eight-hour span to be as intoxicated as your husband was. So you observe that he’s done well over the past week but remember that if this is an addiction, and it certainly sounds like it from what you’ve shared, this is going to be a lifetime journey. There is no way that something as major as this happening, and all the events and hurt that are attached to it, can be neatly tied up in a bow in seven days. Also, abstain from making any conclusions based on what you’ve seen so far- one of the greatest talents of an addict is the ability to lie and you are in the earliest days of his recovery.
You aren’t going to trust him right now and that shouldn’t even be the focus. First things first: Sobriety on his part. He needs to be actively involved in a program and he has to have a genuine desire to fix this for himself. If you love him, and notice I didn’t say trust him, you can stand by and support the work he has ahead of him. But it is his work. You have your own job to do right now. Please consider Al-Anon. The thing people don’t realize is that families of an addict are infected with the sickness. You have healing and learning to do as well. Once he has some sobriety established you will absolutely need to seek couples counseling to address the issues of betrayed trust. If he isn’t willing to do whatever it takes to make this right, you need to know that-but not now. For today, he needs to work on not taking a drink.
Trust…it’s such a delicate thing, isn’t it? As children we trust openly. As we age and self-preserve, trust becomes this gift that we bestow upon those that we deem worthy. What we forget is that humans hurt humans. Someone can love you and yet still pull the rug completely out from under your life. I don’t suggest that this is acceptable-just that it does happen. We have this mindset of “He wouldn’t do this if he didn’t love me,” but really, addiction doesn’t have logic like that. So driving drunk with the girls, lying to you, closet drinking-all completely unforgivable betrayals. Inexcusable. But try and remember that they are actions driven by an illness. Now you need to see what this man is going to do amend those actions. It will take some time as he has a lot of self-inventory to do first.
Checking eyes and breath-I have two different feelings about this and I’m interested to see what others will say. My initial reaction is that you cannot infantilize someone that you are in a partnership with. It is his responsibility to get clean and stay clean-you’ll learn more about that in Al-Anon. You don’t want to be the parole officer. You have enough jobs in life-don’t take on this one as well. However, my other prevalent feeling is that he totally betrayed you and “remorse” should be the word of the day. I’m a firm believer in the adage of “someone who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.” So yeah, his defensive and angry reaction would be a red flag to me. As far as I’m concerned, once you drive drunk with my kids in the car, you lose the right to not submit to (albeit unofficial) breathalyzers.
It sounds like you’ve had a good marriage before this speed bump-or Himalayan mountain chain. Listen, being happily married is the easy stuff. The mettle test is what you are facing now. The darkest days when your love is fatigued and challenged. How will you handle it? Can you work together as a team? Will you keep score? Do you have compassion for one another? I wish you luck.
Cliff Notes: Offer compassion and an ear without enabling, Encourage him in his path without controlling his journey, Take care of yourself and your girls before all others, Take time, Make no decisions. Wait. And See.
I haven’t had the time to read all of your response, but can I just say that the “Cliff Notes” part? Awesome.
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Comment by Ecotorium — April 24, 2009 @ 4:39 pm
FROM THE OP~
Wow, that was fast. And thorough!
I think he was being fairly honest about it being a six month thing. I can’t get into specifics about his job, but in a nutshell, he makes staffing recommendations for his company and it’s been eating him alive. With the economy being what it is, he’s had to be involved in initiating a lot of layoffs. This is torture for him.
I think he’s had a drinking problem for awhile, but it’s something that’s really gotten out of control in the last six months or so, I’m pretty sure because of the stress at work.
You really are good at this advice thing, and I look forward to seeing what your reader responses are. Again, this is the last position I ever thought I’d find myself in. My husband is mortified, as well he should be, so I appreciate having a place to ask about this since we haven’t told our friends or anything.
Anonymous
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Anonymous Reply:
April 28th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Quit giving him reasons to drink!
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Comment by admin — April 24, 2009 @ 4:48 pm
I am a person who has, in the past, turned to Wendie for advice. I was in a similar situation as the OP a few years ago and called W up – she gave it to me straight…and as much as I’d like to think I listened (as a child would to a parent, not the “hearing” portion), I had to go down the path with my husband who was also a drinker until it came to the point where I just had to do something for myself.
The cliff note version of my story is this – very social drinker, super successful guy in charge of a lot of money and a lot of people turned into real drinker (though covering it well – so much that even I was in denial of the extent) turned into guy who hit me, left our infant daughter alone to go drink at a bar, and had a seizure. I kicked him out. He vowed to get better. He has.
The thing with alcohol is this…it is a progressive illness, and it will be fatal. You cannot help him. You cannot trust him (now) and he should realize that. You also don’t have to forgive, but you do have to give him a chance, but be smart and on guard. As for us, there is a drug, called Antabuse, that will cause sever unpleasantness for the drinker should they consume alcohol – vomiting, fever, sweats etc. As my husband was unable (unwilling?) to go to an inpatient treatment center, his therapist suggested he take this medication until *I* felt better about his drinking- it is one pill a day and I give it to him in the mornings. There has been no side effect for him, but he willingly takes it daily to prove to me he is hell bent on recovery. He has been taking it for 9 mos and has been sober the whole time. That is not the magic pill however, and he has put a GREAT deal of time and effort into his step work (the 12 steps).
My husband is finally telling some people he is an alcoholic, it will take a while, but he is totally fine with it now and truly, our lives and marriage and all of his relationships are better than ever before.
Again, Wendie offers great advice, and I certainly hope people get a lot out of her post and mine.
I also suggest you getting some help via AlAnon or just a therapist. Good luck with it all, it isn’t and easy road, but commitment and perserverance will get you there.
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Valentine Reply:
April 24th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
I also should add that being sober and living sober are two totally different things. My husband, in the past was a drinker who wasn’t drinking, while promising me he would stop, he was sorry, etc. Now, he is a person in recovery who CLEARLY see where drinking would lead him, and he actually has NO desire to go down that path anymore. He is not white-knuckling it…(meaning just not drinking) he is learning how to live without drinking – and that is the part about recovery that is a scary prospect for the drinker…it is a choice that only the drinker can make alone and for themselves. Lastly, like Wendie said, it is his work to do, and the only way for you to support him is to let him do what he has to – if that is be out every night and not helping parent, or not having sex, or not going to dinner, so that he can go to meetings, you have to let him…because without sobriety, you won’t have anything with him anyway. In time, he will have the skills to resume the life you both want to have.
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Comment by Valentine — April 24, 2009 @ 5:42 pm
I think this is a great question that at some point all relationships have to grapple with (of course not necessarily to the same extent).
I am in a 9 year relationship that had some serious trust issues about a year ago. It was hell and and the worst part was it was very cyclical. Because I didn’t trust him how I treated him changed, then he didn’t trust me. This irritated me to no end — but it was what it was.
I think, like Wendy said, the key for regaining trust in my situation was knowing, communicating, and understanding that I loved this person (even if, at the time I didn’t trust them). Healing took/takes time and lots and lots of communication. And honestly, for me, one of the most important parts was communicating with myself about what I wanted. Long story short, it took about 9 months to really round a corner, diffuse my anger and end up in a better (different) place.
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Comment by gail — April 24, 2009 @ 6:48 pm
that was amazingly insightful..you’re awesome, wendie.
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Comment by Kirsten — April 24, 2009 @ 9:36 pm
You seem like such a genuine and smart person Wendie. What great advice.
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Comment by woohoo — April 25, 2009 @ 3:28 pm
Personally as an extremely independent person having someone check my eyes and mouth everyday would enrage me. I would also feel like cattle wondering if today was the day I would be shot if they found anything.
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Comment by copa — April 26, 2009 @ 6:52 am
as a clinical psychology doctoral student and someone who has worked with addicts extensively, i have to say that, wendie, your advice is RIGHT ON. congratulations to you and everyone who gets to hear/read your insights. i look forward to reading many more of these, along with more blogs about your amazing children.
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Comment by marissa — April 26, 2009 @ 9:17 pm
Wendie,
Wow, I cannot believe I was ever this naive …
I was checking out your new updates and figured I’d reread what you responded to my issue. Yeah, you were right on here. Like, right.on.
Although I try hard to maintain a civil relationship with him out of respect for my children, we got to the point (after about fifty trips on and off the wagon, escalating emotional abuse, eventual physical abuse, and his two DWIs within a week of each other) where I realized that he wasn’t willing and/or able to change. He wouldn’t use Antabuse or one of the monitoring systems, either. That spoke volumes.
It’s always difficult when things change suddenly in a way you never expected. However, I’ve learned to rely on myself, to enjoy the great things in my life far more than I ever did, and that there are endless opportunities for happiness and humor in life. It’s too short for (sorry, I gotta say it) cheap wine.
Anyway, thanks again for your great advice, for me and for the many others on here. You’re wonderful
xx,
K.
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Comment by KLo — January 4, 2010 @ 11:25 pm