Well Honestly Now

December 29, 2009

And, We’re Back!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Wendie @ 10:30 pm

So, one day I just stopped getting advice questions over here at Well Honestly Now.  It was odd, but I figured my non-breeder readers had jumped ship after I moved the family stuff over to Mommytopia.

Today, in anticipation of the new year, I cleaned out my massive e-mail inboxes and found valid emails that went straight to my spam folder.  I feel simply horrible, even though I’m pretty sure that none of your worlds stopped spinning on their axes just because I didn’t reply, but still …

I believe I was able to gather all of the missed emails and responses have been posted for all of them.

WHN is back up and running for 2010 and I look forward to hearing what you have to say and sharing my insight in that brutal and unflinching way you’ve come to love expect.

How Do I Get My Mother To Back Off?

Filed under: Advice — Tags: , , — Wendie @ 10:24 pm

~YOUR THOUGHTS

My mother and I have had a strained relationship all of my life.  It seems to have gotten worse since I have children of my own.  Mother and I live a two houses away from each other.  Long story short, she does not know any boundaries.  She walks into my house unannounced.  She re-arranges my furniture (often adding pieces I never asked for nor do I want).  And to top it all off she underminds my authority when it comes to my children.  I have tried to talk to her but it always turns into a shouting match.  I don’t know what to do, short of moving far, far away!

~MY THOUGHTS

You answered your own question.  Seriously.  If you can’t effectively find a way to set and implement boundaries that she’ll respect, distance is really the only other option.  You have every right to be outraged by your mother’s behavior.  You also have every right to privacy and appropriate space.

FAT-FREE VERSION:  MOVE!

Should We Live Together?

Filed under: Advice — Tags: , — Wendie @ 10:21 pm

~YOUR THOUGHTS

First of all, I KNOW I’m going to live in Montreal next year, which is about 3 hours far from my little town. I.. don’t know yet in what I’ll study, but it’s not the topic. I’ve always knew I was going to share a appartment with my best friend, who is also heading to Montreal. The problem is that my boyfriend of 6 months is probably going to live with us. I…know I love him. I just feel it.

We maybe really different on certain point of view, but on others, we are SO alike. He..completes me in a kind of way. I’m a real chatterbox while he’s really really quiet and I just loves it, and it seems he loves it too. But you know, it just has been 6 months we’re together and I don,t know if it’s really a good idea. When we’ll move together, we will have been together for more than a year, but still, we have to decide SOON. I don’t doubt about the faact that we’ll get along well, because we’ve pratically live together ! (My parents are divorced and we can live by yourselves alone during weeks when they’re not there and it’s perfrect)

The reel problem is that he don,t go  to univeristy and he can’t live on the campus with my girlfriend and I. My girlfriend is pretty cold on getting an appartment, because she thinks is will cost a lot more. But my boyfriend wants to move in Montreal too. And I just don’t know what to do ? Should I try to convince my best friend that we could live the 3 of us in an appartemnt, or to live with her on the campus and having my boyfriend lives with someone else, or just to go live with him and give it a shot ?

I just don’t know what to do. I’m just FUCKED UP and so stressed. Maybe you could help me ? And yes, I know my text is really really confused, just like my head. Sorry for this.

~MY THOUGHTS

I’m a firm believer in never putting a guy — any guy — over a girlfriend.  You and your friend had a plan and I think you should stick to it.  You don’t mention how old you are, but your boyfriend needs to get his own plan for life and you need to experience all the great things that are in store for you at university.  What if it didn’t work out?  You’d have a disaster of a housing situation and you’d be dragging your girlfriend into that too (provided you could talk her into an off-campus apartment.)  And, no matter how well-intended you are, your friend is going to feel like a third wheel living with the two of you.

You can balance both your relationship and friendship — it will just take a little finesse.  And this is also a great test for you and your beau.  Can you weather the storm of long-distance?

FAT-FREE ADVICE:  STICK WITH YOUR PLAN, ROOM WITH YOUR FRIEND, VISIT YOUR BOYFRIEND ON WEEKENDS AND HOLIDAYS.

Why Didn’t He Tell Me?

Filed under: Advice — Tags: , , — Wendie @ 10:08 pm

~YOUR THOUGHTS

I have a “group” of friends I hang out with at school. we are all really close and range from 17 to 18. One of my guy friends and I started hanging out over this past summer. We never hooked up, but he told me several times that he really liked me and wanted to date me. Well at first I wasn’t sure I wanted to date him because he had previously had a thing with my friend and I didn’t want things to be weird in our “group.” Well, I never said I would date him but I told him I would just go out with him sometime (not as friends, but not as a date. Kinda somewhere in between)? Well we never went on the date, but we still kind of have feelings for each other. Well the other day I heard that he likes this girl in our class and has been hanging out with her often. Hes never told me anything about her.I thought we were better friends than that and it really bothered me. So I called him and he promised to call me back that night. Well that was thursday and he just called back last night. and when i asked him why he called me back he didn’t even acknowledge that he hadn’t called me! So we talked and I told him how It hurt me that he didn’t want to tell me about this girl and that he didn’t ever return my calls and that it felt like he was taking our friendship for granted. He said he didn’t tell me because he still has feelings for me. I guess I’m just so confused. I’ve been so down today because I’ve been screwed over (in this exact way) by guys so many times and I just don’t know what to do. I love your advice and I read all your sites and I thought you might have some helpful advice for me. Thanks for your time. :)

~MY THOUGHTS

Honestly, here’s the deal:  He let you know he was interested, you’ve expressed concern about hooking up because of his former connection with someone else in the group.  You’ve been talking and being friends, but not really taking it to the next level.  This is a tough lesson to learn, but he doesn’t owe you any answers.  You have an expectation of him that isn’t fair.  You aren’t a committed couple, you are friends or maybe friends with benefits.  He can like people, date people and he doesn’t have to answer to you.  Is it rude to not call at a scheduled time?  I guess so.  But it’s a girlfriend expectation, really.

The way I see it, it seems that you really like this guy.  It’s time to either move forward and see if you can make a go at it or let him go and place him firmly in the “friend and nothing more category.”

FAT-FREE ADVICE:  YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.  TIME TO MAKE A CHOICE.


I Hate Him; Why Do I Care?

Filed under: Advice — Tags: , , — Wendie @ 9:47 pm

~YOUR THOUGHTS

I’m not sure where to get started. I’m 22 years old and I just found out I’m pregnant with my first child. While it wasn’t planned, my boyfriend and I couldn’t be happier. We’re excitedly preparing ourselves for the task ahead of us and everything between us is great. I love him to death and he is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and father to my children.

That being said, there’s still moments when my ex pops into my head. My ex and I had an extremely problematic relationship…the problem mainly being that he couldn’t keep his hands or eyes or anything really to himself. I stuck around though because the level of love I felt for him was so deep I could feel it in my bones.

When we finally broke up for good, it took me a long time to realize what an emotionally abusive relationship I had been in and my current boyfriend was the friend who picked up the pieces of my heart and put me back together and I cautiously allowed myself to love him (although it took some time.)

I guess my questin is, do the old feelings ever go away? It’s not like I’d ever want to even be in the same room with my ex. He’s a liar and a manipulator who made me feel like his discrepancies were my fault. But I wonder if I will always get this awful pit in my stomach when I remember how badly he hurt me. I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him, but I worry that these feelings of resentment towards my ex are hiding something else. Does the hate I feel for my ex mean I still have feelings for him or is it just normal to hate someone who hurt me that badly? And is it fair to my boyfriend, who is a wonderful and giving person, to be with him if I do?

~MY THOUGHTS

I’m 37 and still think of men who hurt me horribly.  I don’t know if that ever goes away, though as I got older I started to reclaim my own personal mettle; I don’t let those assholes tarnish my happiness.  I think you’ll see that having children will help you with that.  When you bring another human being onto the planet, it makes you kind of fearless in a lot of ways.  The ex’s actions will lose some of the power and impact that they lord over you today.  Counseling could help too if you find that you can’t move past the hate in time.

It has oft been said that the opposite of love is indifference.  I am indifferent to my exes, but that took a really long time with a couple of them.  Just because you have emotion still dedicated to happenings from your past, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you still have feelings for this man.  And even if there are still some feelings, that’s okay.  Falling in love with a wonderful man and starting a family together doesn’t delete your past and the pains you’ve suffered.  But time and all the wonderful events you have in store over the coming months and years will go a long way towards fading those horrible old memories.  I wish you luck.

FAT-FREE ADVICE:  EMBRACE THE LOVE YOU HAVE TODAY, DON’T LET THE PAST HAVE YOUR POWER.

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