Well Honestly Now

August 11, 2009

Advice Needed: Online Love

Filed under: Love — Tags: , — Wendie @ 1:08 pm

~YOUR THOUGHTS~

Hi Wendie,
first of all, excuse me for my english, if I have any mistakes, it’s not my first language : ) Well, that being said, I need some brutal truth. I’m 20, and I’m a really ( I mean it, REALLY ) shy girl. I just had a boyfriend, back in high school. I’m currently in college but, since I’m really quiet and shy, I barely have friends there… Anyway, the point is, I’ve been talking on Messenger with this guy for a while, and I just… this is going to sound crazy, I know… but I do feel I just love him. He’s everything I wanted in a guy, even if I don’t know him in person. So a few months ago, he told me that he really liked me too, and we started to “date”. He lives in Canada, and I live in South America. So, honestly, how realistic is this? I know this can’t work… (right?)but as crazy as this might sound, I have feelings for him. He says he’s going to visit me soon, and that kinda scares me a bit. What if I meet him and we are complete strangers? I mean, do online dating really works out? I’m really confused. Any advice? :)

~MY THOUGHTS~

Friend, yes, I have advice.  I’ve walked this road and you probably won’t like what I have to say to you, but I’d rather give you truth over coddling.

First of all, can people meet online, fall in love and live happily ever after?  Yes, it happened to me.  I’m also aware that my story was very rare and the people in my life and my husband’s life were very skeptical.  We were an exception to the rule.

If you are communicating through Messenger, you don’t know who this person is.  Do you have his name, address, home and cell numbers?  Have you spoken in person, do you know where he works?  Have you Googled him?  Because if it’s just online conversation, this person could be anyone.  It could be a fat housewife from Wichita.  It could be a pedophile from Paducah.  It could be me (it isn’t).  

I “met” someone on Messenger many years ago.  We communicated quite a bit that way.  I thought I had developed very strong feelings for him (I was 20, too).  We did speak on the phone and eventually meet in person several times.  Our “relationship” continued on and off (many huge off spans) for over a decade, but circumstances always kept us apart.  Guess what?  His circumstances came in the form of a wife and two kids.  Almost everything he portrayed himself to be was false.  He was a master — and there’s lots of them out there — at figuring out what I needed to hear and feel and preying upon that.  It’s an ability, a gift and at the time, there wasn’t Google to help me get smart.

So, here’s the deal:  If you’ve exchanged your stats with him (i.e. phone numbers) and are planning a real-life visit, this would be my advice:

Have him stay at a hotel.  Do not have him at your home.  Tell friends, family, etc. exactly where you are at all times.  And most of all, don’t be disappointed if this doesn’t develop the same as the version you’ve formulated in your mind.  No matter what you’ve shared at a computer, you are complete strangers.

The feelings you have  now, the ones that feel like love, exist because this person gives you something your soul really craves.  When you are behind a monitor, it’s so much easier to be open, honest and just share of yourself — isn’t it?  Shyness isn’t such an obstacle.  And I don’t dismiss what you feel — just remember, nothing is real on the Internet.  It just isn’t.  It can be a crutch, a fix, a high, but there is no replacement for real-life, face-to-face connection.  

I wish you luck.

FAT-FREE VERSION:  Get his info, Check him out, Reign in your feelings

August 2, 2009

Advice Needed: Can This Marriage Be Saved?

Filed under: Advice, Uncategorized, children, marriage — Tags: , , , — Wendie @ 2:27 pm

~YOUR THOUGHTS~

Hi, I am so confussed!! I have been married for 5 yrs. and together w/ my husband for 8 1/2 yrs. I have 2 boys, one who is 10 from a previous relationship, and one that is 4 from this marriage. My oldest son has been w/ my husband from the time he was in diapers and cant remember life w/out him. BTY, They dont get along, and my husband says he has no respect for him due to my lack of respect, and I say to my husband, “you have been w/ him for 8 yrs and you have established the lack of respect” along w/ many other issues between them!
My husband and I have been seperated and living apart for 7 months this time, and last year for three months. We argue ALL the time even in front of the kids!! Although, I still love him and he still loves me (I think, or so he says) we CAN NOT seem to get along. We have tried marriage counseling! We both don’t want divorce, otherwise I think we would have filed already, but we just can’t seem to get along! His family (mom, dad, sistars, etc) in my opinion have a major impact on our relationship, but he thinks it’s all my “bitching & complaining & downgrading” him.
We have not had sex in at least 8 months!!!!  And when I ask him about it he says ” “I have so much on my mind other than sex, or… How can I have sex with you, all you do is bitch at me?” What do I do? Sometimes he says “Lets get a divorce” and other times he says “Lets work it out” but his actions ALWAYS say, “I don’t want this to work”. I am so scared to live w/ out a husband, and raise 2 boys on my own, but I am also scared of living a life w/out love and showing my  boys a marriage that is not right. I know it’s complicated and a lot to ask, and I have already been given advise, but I am curious what you would say about my situation. Most People say I should get a divorce, but as a child of divorce, I don’t want my kids to go thru that if I can help it.  I just want them to see a happy marriage, Can I make my marriage work, or do I give up?

~MY THOUGHTS~

You actually answered your own question.  ”… his actions ALWAYS say, ‘I don’t want this to work.’”  One person just cannot save a marriage.  And it doesn’t sound like he’s contributing a whole lot toward the repair effort.  His energies seem to be focused squarely on blaming you for the failure.

You said that you don’t want your kids to be children of divorce.  Sure, it would be great if they could witness a happy marriage, but that’s not on the menu at this time.  Do you think your oldest son doesn’t sense that his father doesn’t like him?  It is so damaging for a child not to feel unconditional love from a parent.  Not only will he carry that feeling of worthlessness, he’ll be angry at you for allowing this to happen.

If I were you, I’d want my kids out of that situation immediately.  A major amount of marital and family counseling and down in the dirt work and reparation would have to occur for this to be a happy and functioning family unit.  Is your husband willing to do that?  According to his actions, no.

Divorce sucks.  Kids having to go through a divorce sucks.  Divorce should be avoided at all costs because it sucks.  I want to be clear on that.  But fighting parents, witnessing a loveless marriage (you say you love each other, but that’s just words.  Does his actions and behavior support those words?)  and feeling a father’s resentment?  It sucks even more.  It changes the very fabric of who your kids are.  I really cannot over-express how deeply the absence of a father’s love or a mother’s protection can cut a child.  It doesn’t matter how hard single parenthood is or how lonely a life that may be for you.  Yes, it’s going to be really difficult.  I was a single mother — it’s hard.

As an aside, as the tag line says, I have some brutal truth for you:  You talk about wanting to have sex with him.  Quite honestly, if someone — even my husband – treated my kid like that, I’d want to punch him in the face.  

It’s time to get focused and get a plan.  Consider what is truly, truly best for your boys.  They’ll thank you for it.

FAT-FREE VERSION:  Stop talking, start observing, decide based on actions and effort put forth.

Advice Needed: What Do I Do About Nephew That Lies?

Filed under: Advice — Wendie @ 1:40 pm

~YOUR THOUGHTS~

When you changed this site, I never thought I’d ask, but I need more perspective because I’m so angry and hurt I’m fit to be tied.

My nephew, who is slightly a mommy’s boy, texted me last week and asked if I was coming to the birthday party. I said yes, and he said he just got his permit and can i drive the truck so he could drive it. I said yes, of course.

When we got in the truck, I said, because he tells his mom lies:  I’d be happy to take you out, but I don’t want to hear that you told your mom or anyone else about anything we talk about. ok? He said, ok, but what do you mean? and I said, I don’t want to hear that you told someone that I said something. that’s all. He said ok.

and we had a nice drive. We talked about his friends smoking pot. He said he doesn’t.

we got back, I told his mom what a great driver he is. He asked if I would come to his 2 lacross games this week. I said yes, email me when they are.

I find out today, that he told his mom that I got mad at him, told he is not to tell his mom anything and then said NOW DRIVE. He also told his mom that his sister tells me everything and that I pick on him.

He lies. His mom then got mad at his sister and told her she is not allowed to tell me anything. YET it’s HIS MOM that tells me what he says…all the time.

On Monday, before I found out about the tattle and crap, I emailed him through FB and asked him when the games were. I never heard back and thought that was disrespectful.

when I found out about this lie today, I realize to keep up his lie, he couldn’t email me…I believe his mother checks his email.

I’m frustrated. I think I should not be alone with him. I think that I should not ever do what he asks anymore. You see, his mom said, he needs a mac…so I gave him one..and he never said thanks..so there is a history of him being disrespectful.

thoughts?

~MY THOUGHTS~

My thoughts are two-fold.  One, your nephew is a liar.  Two, I don’t think an adult should ask a minor child (I assume he’s a minor) to keep any secrets from a parent.  A better approach?  I wouldn’t be alone with him because he cannot be trusted.  It’s sad, but it sounds like you’ve had a history of him fabricating stories.  Protect yourself.

In addition, you gave the kid a Mac and he didn’t say “thank you”?  That is just disgustingly unacceptable.  It sounds to me like you have a manipulative, less than honest, ungrateful nephew.  And I’m sorry for that, because it sounds like you really love him and care about his life and what he’s doing.  I love that you ask him about his friends and drug use.  It shows you care.  But you need to have these conversations with him in the company of others.  

The bigger picture, of course, is why is he like this?  How was he brought up?  Does he need counseling?  He’s still a kid so you must feel compassion for him, but not at the expense of you.  Keep loving him, but realize that trust and respect are earned and he has fallen far short of both.

FAT-FREE VERSION:  Love him with caution, protect yourself, don’t let family tread on you.

Advice Needed: How Can I Get My Mom To Trust Me?

Filed under: Advice, parenting, relationships, teenagers — Tags: , , , — Wendie @ 1:13 pm

~YOUR THOUGHTS~

Hi Wendie!

Well, I’m not sure where to start.

I am sixteen years old. My mom and I are – and have always been – VERY close. She is the person in whom I confide almost everything, and I absolutely do not want that to change.

We have the stereotypical teenage daughter vs. mother arguements. Most of those are, admittedly, my own fault. These fights are easy to move on from and forget.

However, lately, we’ve been getting in very, VERY draining, emotional fights because she will not get out of my business.

She got a Facebook and began adding me and my friends. She proceeded to “facebook stalk” us one night and bombard me the next morning with questions about pictures, inside jokes, relationships, etc. etc.

I responded to this by shutting down my Facebook.

She has read through my texts, logged onto my computer (I am no longer allowed to have a password on my computer; this annoys her), and has a GPS on my phone – with which she locates my exact location whenever I leave the house.

I KNOW she does this out of love.

But she is also EXTREMELY nosy and it’s becoming too much.

When I try to bring it up she defends herself by saying that she “can and will do whatever she wants because she is my mother and as long as I’m living under her roof I live by her rules.”

I’m sure you’re familiar with that line.

Anyway. I’m guilty of being a snotty, teenage brat. I fully admit it.

But I want to approach her to fix this and NOT have it end up as World War III.

HOW???

Thank you so much and I’m sorry I wrote a novel.

~MY THOUGHTS~

Well, what you are going through is very normal.  Your mom isn’t nosy … she’s afraid.  We mothers have these babies and they have the nerve to grow up and spread their wings and I’m here to tell you that it’s a terrifying process for us moms.  So it’s important for you to understand that her reactions don’t come from a place of wanting to ruin your life.  It’s just really scary to see your little girl grow up.

However, I’m also not so old that I don’t remember what it was like to be a teenager.  It’s that time that you just want to start carving out a life for yourself in which your mother isn’t a part of every aspect.  I get it.

You and your mom need to talk … not fight.  Timing is everything and I suggest you find time to chat when things are quiet and you are calm.  Speak of how you feel rather than her actions.  Don’t be accusatory.  ”I feel” is an infinitely better approach than “You always”.  I’d try something like this:

“Mom, I love that we’ve always been so close and I feel like I can talk to you about stuff.  I have friends who don’t have that relationship with their moms.  I want to know what things I can do to earn your trust.  When you read my text messages or Facebook stalk me, it makes me feel like you don’t have faith in me.  You raised me well, and your lessons are not lost on me.  I don’t want to fight with you, but I also want to feel that you believe in me.  And believe that I can make the right decisions in life.”

Now, this will go one of two ways.  Hopefully, your mom will be reasonable enough to listen to you and this will start a healthy dialogue between the two of you.  As a teenager, this is the time where you are supposed to be set forth into the world (in a limited fashion) to test the values and lessons that have been instilled in you.  Kids who are sheltered usually end up turning into train wrecks in the adult world.  I cannot overstate the importance of roots and wings.  It’s critical that kids have confidence in themselves and the foundation their parents gave them before they go off to college or real life.

I don’t know your mom, her experiences, or her background.  She could fly off the handle when you have this conversation with her.  I think that would be a mistake, but it may happen.  So many parents have teens that don’t speak to them and you seem to really crave an open and improved relationship.  She’s very lucky to have you as a daughter.  If she’s not open to loosening the reigns, there isn’t too much that you can do while you are under her roof.

I think with time and patience, you two can come to a common place of understanding.  Work together so that you can both have more peace of mind.


FAT-FREE VERSION: Be calm, speak from the heart, never stop talking to your mom.

Advice Needed: Should I Let It Go?

Filed under: Advice — Tags: , , — Wendie @ 12:44 pm

~YOUR THOUGHTS~

I was staying in an apartment for a month & 1/2 before I moved into my house. My lease was about to be up on my old place and I was going through a break up so a friend of mine said I could rent his vacant apt. First he said I didn’t have to pay a deposit because I wouldn’t be there long. So after I had told the old spot that I would be moving suddenly that changed. THEN he charged me more rent than the last tenant paid and didn’t even have the apt ready when I moved in. There were holes in the floor, a broken bathroom door and evidence of mice that had not been cleaned up. But I let it go because he is supposed to be my friend and I thought he would fix things soon. I signed a month to month lease and gave him 45 days notice of when I was closing on the house. I paid for 1/2 of July. I moved out on the 11th so I asked when can I expect to get the money for the 4 days back. Not that it’s a lot (around $100) but I did just buy a house. I was told that if anything I should have to pay him for the remainder of the month. WHAT??? Never mind that I paid 2 full month’s of gas & electric without being there that long. And the bathroom door was still broken, there were still holes in my floor and a grungy carpet that I helped replace upon my moving out. I cleaned that place top to bottom when I left. This is why I didn’t want to even move into that apt but the last tenant had skipped out w/ no warning so I took it as a sign for us to help each other out. Oh I should mention this is a person that is supposed to be one of my best friends. He is my running partner, we have went on plenty of road trips together, known him 7 years. It’s not even about the money, I just can’t believe he would act like I should owe him when I did everything according to the lease. I would never have expected this from a friend, but we did have a mutual friend that told me he had done some shady things to her where their business partnership was concerned that caused her to cut him out of her life. When I tried to talk to him about it he put it all on his partner saying “Mr. X let you move in as a favor because you were in an emergency situation”. But Id did not deal with Mr. X on this at all. I spoke to my friend about the place and signed the month to month lease with my friend. The last text I senthim was that I did not believe any apt. would expect me to pay for an entire month when I had given notice and was not locked into a year long lease. I also mentioned I didn’t know what favor they had really done for me since I did have a friend that said I could stay with her rent free while my things were in storage. He did not even cut me a deal on the rent. I don’t feel I was given any special treatment at all. At this point I don’t know what to do about the frienship. I know his partner is probably making things worse (even though we do get along as well but I know how Mr. X can be). In a way I feel I need to disassociate myself from this person, at least for awhile. But do I tell him that, or do I just do it without saying anything? Do I try to explain my feelings or just let it go? I’m pretty good at letting things go, but right now I’m just hurt. Thank you for your help. Sorry for rambling. :(

~MY THOUGHTS~

I promise not to throw any “don’t do business with friends” cliches at you, but …

Listen, I think you were both wrong.  Sounds like the place was a pit.  You’ve learned something about your friend.  He’s not a good landlord and doesn’t sound like he’s ethical in his business practices.  I think you were unreasonable to expect not to pay the full month of July’s rent.  From a business perspective, a landlord isn’t going to find another tenant in the middle of a month who can move in immediately.  I think most landlords would expect that you pay rent month-to-month.  Not month-to-half-month.

And it doesn’t really matter who is wrong or right at this point.  Obviously, there are bad feelings all the way around.  You said he’s your running partner and one of your best friends.  What is that worth to you?  I find true friends to be invaluable.  Has he been a true friend to you prior to your decision to do business together?  

I never suggest just phasing out of someone’s life for a temporary spell.  I guarantee that you will never find your way back to one another.  Unspoken words have a way of festering and magnifying and silence never soothed hurt feelings. 

You need to have clear intent.  Here are the questions I’d ask myself:  

Do you want him in your life?  If you do, write him a check for the half month of rent and call it a day.  Even if you believe in your heart of all hearts that you are in the right, sometimes it’s just about undoing a mistake (the mistake being that you two entered into a business arrangement), letting go and moving on.  Some people on this planet have no friends.  If he truly is a best friend with lots of other worthwhile qualities, it’s worth the few hundred dollars.

On the flip side, the way he treats money and tenants and you speaks to his character.  And now that you have this insight, he may not be someone you want in your life.  You learned a new aspect of him.  If you knew this side of him at the start, would you have still pursued a friendship with him?  Is it a character flaw that you can overlook?  Or do you now have a clearer picture that forces you to make a friendship-ending decision?

Since I don’t know this person, I can only tell you what I’d do based on what you’ve shared.  If he was a terrific friend in all other aspects, and it was just this business dealing that went terribly wrong, I’d talk to him, come to a place of understanding and let it go.  Friendships are so difficult to find and cultivate.

FAT-FREE VERSION:  Determine the good vs. bad ratio, release the anger or the friend, DON’T DO BUSINESS WITH FRIENDS!

Older Posts »

Powered by WordPress