~YOUR THOUGHTS~
I’m having trouble being content in the moment. I keep having to tell myself, almost like a mantra, to focus on the things I can change. Get in shape. Remove clutter. <- Those types of things. Often my mind wanders into the If Only Territory. If only I moved to another state, then I’d be happy. If only I’d get a great body, I’d be happy. Maybe I just need a different house… or shoes..or hey–is that a new skin care product?! When in reality, the issue must be Me. I keep running from myself but when I sit down and think, I can’t figure out my problem. I’m depressed and can’t conjure up the Happy and I have a pretty good life. WTF? Is there a 3 step plan to lose depression, be content and feel happy?
I’m already on enough anti depressants. I joke it’s like a chemical forklift to try and lift the corners of my mouth into a smile.
My friends say I don’t have enough Me time. I do have kids (we won the PDD-NOS special needs lotto) and I tend to put myself last. Sometimes I don’t even know what to do with my Me Time. I have plenty of interests and no idea how to live in balance, apparently.
So there’s your challenge: help me love my life and be able to feel it.
~MY THOUGHTS~
I’m a firm believer in deliberate action. So before we go any further, you need to define what you want your life to look like. Specifically. Aimlessly looking for satisfaction in houses and shoes won’t get you there. Is there a specific element of your life that needs to be altered? You’ve stated that you have a pretty good life as it is and you sound fairly self-aware. This leads me to believe that perhaps a change in circumstances and/or possessions isn’t going to change your outlook.
What you are describing sounds like depression and depression that’s not being properly addressed. The funny thing about depression is that you may have no “logical” reason to be depressed. A good life, good family, etc. and yet you can find no contentment in a world that so many people would give anything to have. Depression doesn’t possess rationale. Logically, I could tell you to embrace the fact that your kids are healthy, you have a home, etc., but I also know that won’t change the burden you feel inside. You sound like you have a deep sense of longing — I suggest that your longing comes from a need to feel complete. Now, how do you get there?
I think you should re-consult with your doctor, or find a new doctor and talk about different meds and therapies. Because the proper chemical forklift should offer, if not levity, peace. You could be expending a lot of life energy searching for contentment when brain chemistry is working against you. That’s a battle you’ll lose every time. It’s so difficult to do when you are already depressed and feel stuck, but you must advocate for your own mental health.
I also feel that you need a way to process all the dissatisfaction that you are experiencing. For me, I write. In writing, I often realize that my fortune is greater than I thought. The perfect example was my whining rant last week about friends. I wrote Part 1 and Part 2 within fifteen minutes of one another. I wrote Part 1, reflected for a few minutes and realized that there were wonderful blessings that I was overlooking. Writing gives me insight — for others, it may be art or dancing or singing.
I, too, have issues with not always staying in “the now.” I use a visualization technique. I think of a road with a line down the middle. When I feel myself wandering and drifting, I picture the line. My goal, at all times, is to stay as close to that line as possible.
As an aside, it’s really difficult when your life doesn’t turn out as you thought it would. When I found out Aspie was an Aspie, I fell into a deep depression. It was the death of a dream — the death of my picture of how things were going to be. Obviously, I wouldn’t trade him in for anything, but I definitely had times of feeling “Whoa, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go.”
Acceptance of what we have, of our reality, is a huge and often life-long process. The happiness won’t come from things. This much I know. What I also know is that you must do everything you can to resolve your current state. Those around you, especially your children, will sense your restlessness. And you don’t want them to grow up thinking they were never good enough to make Mommy happy. Though you know and I know, that this isn’t about them, the mind of a child has a totally different perspective.
FAT-FREE VERSION: See a doctor, Process, Seek joy at all cost.
