Okay, so I can’t vlog quite yet because my computer is exploding and I can’t go Mac for a week. But in the meantime, I received this question and I know I have some readers who can help. So the written word will have to do.
~Your Thoughts~
So I thought my husband was having a nervous breakdown last week. He wasn’t going to work, wouldn’t speak to me, made commitments to our children that he broke repeatedly, and stopped paying bills. I finally dragged him to the emergency room, had a scene in the parking lot because he refused to go in with me until I called and asked for them to send someone out to get him, and then had hysterics in the waiting room. They asked him questions (including whether or not he drank–he said he didn’t, and I believed this), drew blood and I sat there and rubbed his back while he kept yelling, “I’m fine, I’m fine” until they gave him some IV anxiety meds. I felt so bad for him … until the doctor came in and said that his blood alcohol level was 390. I had no freaking idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He has been very good since he spent the night in the hospital detoxing. He has done what he needs to do to get back on good terms at work (he’s a statistical engineer and very valuable to his company, so I’m guessing this didn’t take much), he’s making progress with my girls, and he’s going to doctor and counseling appointments religiously.
The thing is, I don’t know how I can ever trust him again. He lied to me (I’d asked him if he was drinking and he said no) and completely shut me out of his life, and now after a week he wants to know why I don’t think everything is just the way they used to be (we had a dream marriage until about six months ago–this is when he started drinking, which I of course didn’t know). He gets very upset when I smell his breath or check his eyes.
Beyond anything he did to me, though, he drove around drunk with my children in the car. I don’t think I can forgive him for that, ever. My children are my life.
He refuses to go to marriage counseling (he says he’s in enough counseling right now), so I guess what I’m wondering is where I should go from here. I don’t see myself trusting him in the near future, and he burned a lot of the bridges that he’d built almost effortlessly over the years.
This is not a problem I ever thought I’d have, so I’m kind of at a loss here.
~My Thoughts~
I have questions (if you can answer here, post as anonymous): What happened six months ago to trigger this drinking? And do you really think it’s been just six months of drinking? I was very involved with someone who was a closet drinker. I dated him for two years and was married to him for another three. Near the end of our marriage, I started discovering a lot of empty beer cans in our garage. Like, a lot. And I was floored. But not. I didn’t consciously realize how much he was drinking but if I am totally honest, on some level I knew something wasn’t right for many years. Sometimes people do react to one specific situation and begin abusing alcohol, but I wonder if this isn’t a more long-term existing practice with your husband. So I dare suggest that you may not have known of his demons prior to six months ago, but they were there in the room with you. It wasn’t so much a “dream marriage” as it was an “ignorance is bliss marriage.” Last week, reality hit.
First and foremost, no matter how much he appears to be doing better, having a BAC of .390 last week and living to tell the tale means that this probably wasn’t his first drinking binge. A 220lb man would have to drink more than 20 sixteen-ounce beers in an eight-hour span to be as intoxicated as your husband was. So you observe that he’s done well over the past week but remember that if this is an addiction, and it certainly sounds like it from what you’ve shared, this is going to be a lifetime journey. There is no way that something as major as this happening, and all the events and hurt that are attached to it, can be neatly tied up in a bow in seven days. Also, abstain from making any conclusions based on what you’ve seen so far- one of the greatest talents of an addict is the ability to lie and you are in the earliest days of his recovery.
You aren’t going to trust him right now and that shouldn’t even be the focus. First things first: Sobriety on his part. He needs to be actively involved in a program and he has to have a genuine desire to fix this for himself. If you love him, and notice I didn’t say trust him, you can stand by and support the work he has ahead of him. But it is his work. You have your own job to do right now. Please consider Al-Anon. The thing people don’t realize is that families of an addict are infected with the sickness. You have healing and learning to do as well. Once he has some sobriety established you will absolutely need to seek couples counseling to address the issues of betrayed trust. If he isn’t willing to do whatever it takes to make this right, you need to know that-but not now. For today, he needs to work on not taking a drink.
Trust…it’s such a delicate thing, isn’t it? As children we trust openly. As we age and self-preserve, trust becomes this gift that we bestow upon those that we deem worthy. What we forget is that humans hurt humans. Someone can love you and yet still pull the rug completely out from under your life. I don’t suggest that this is acceptable-just that it does happen. We have this mindset of “He wouldn’t do this if he didn’t love me,” but really, addiction doesn’t have logic like that. So driving drunk with the girls, lying to you, closet drinking-all completely unforgivable betrayals. Inexcusable. But try and remember that they are actions driven by an illness. Now you need to see what this man is going to do amend those actions. It will take some time as he has a lot of self-inventory to do first.
Checking eyes and breath-I have two different feelings about this and I’m interested to see what others will say. My initial reaction is that you cannot infantilize someone that you are in a partnership with. It is his responsibility to get clean and stay clean-you’ll learn more about that in Al-Anon. You don’t want to be the parole officer. You have enough jobs in life-don’t take on this one as well. However, my other prevalent feeling is that he totally betrayed you and “remorse” should be the word of the day. I’m a firm believer in the adage of “someone who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.” So yeah, his defensive and angry reaction would be a red flag to me. As far as I’m concerned, once you drive drunk with my kids in the car, you lose the right to not submit to (albeit unofficial) breathalyzers.
It sounds like you’ve had a good marriage before this speed bump-or Himalayan mountain chain. Listen, being happily married is the easy stuff. The mettle test is what you are facing now. The darkest days when your love is fatigued and challenged. How will you handle it? Can you work together as a team? Will you keep score? Do you have compassion for one another? I wish you luck.
Cliff Notes: Offer compassion and an ear without enabling, Encourage him in his path without controlling his journey, Take care of yourself and your girls before all others, Take time, Make no decisions. Wait. And See.
