Well Honestly Now

~YOUR THOUGHTS

My problem is a fight my husband and I are having.

The background:

I met my husband on Match.com a little over a year ago. I had been going out on lots of dates and meeting some really wonderful (& not so wonderful!) guys. When I met my husband though, it just clicked. We fell head over heels in love and I stopped dating everyone else.

We really meshed together well and just truly liked each other. We would spend hours talking (we still do actually) and during the course of one of those conversations, he admitted to me that he wasn’t divorced yet.

My issue with that, because I knew that he and his ex were over, they had separated a year ago, was that he lied to me. He said that he just didn’t have the money to do it right away (not having been divorced before, he didn’t realize that because they had already sold their house and split their assets and didn’t have children, that it wouldn’t cost thousands in legal fees)

I felt so hurt and betrayed but because what we had felt so perfect and right, I decided to stay with him despite him lying to me.

Everything was perfect. He’s an amazing partner. He listens, he helps around the house, he’s loving and affectionate, he’s amazing with my kids, loves my mom, buys me flowers and is just overall an amazingly nice guy.

Then in April, I went through his text messages on his phone. Honestly, I don’t even know why I did it. I had never done it before and I’m not the type of person who does that. Just a stupid impulse on my part. But I found out that he and his wife had been spending time and hooking up together & thinking about having a baby together up until about 4 months before he met me.

He had told me that he and his wife had been completely separated for a full year before he met me. I was so upset that he lied to me again after he SWORE not to do it again after the first time.

We talked it out and he explained how even though he and his wife knew they weren’t right for each other, they just couldn’t let go at first. I understood that. In my last relationship even though it was irretrievably broken, we held on for over a year. So, I was most angry because I felt betrayed that he hadn’t been honest.

Shortly after this, we got engaged and planned a wedding at the end of August but because he never followed through with divorce proceedings, his divorce wouldn’t be finalized in time like we first thought.

Although, I was super upset by these turn events, we decided to just go ahead with the ceremony, since we had made all the arrangements and legally get married when his divorce was finalized in December.

Our ceremony was beautiful but I felt like a sham and that made me so angry at him that something so perfect was marred with the knowledge that it wasn’t a “true” wedding.

So, I was holding all these resentments towards him (which isn’t healthy but I couldn’t help it.) and when it came down to the legal ceremony, we went to Vegas in this last December, so we could be married by the end of the year so that we would get the tax break.

Initially, for our Vegas wedding, we had planned just a romantic weekend away at the Las Vegas Ritz & quietly tying the knot. Unfortunately, my mom had some financial troubles and was going to lose her house, so (redacted) gave her the money she needed, effectively leaving us financially tight.

Obviously, the initial plans for Vegas had to be scrapped and we ended up having a sleazy ceremony right out of Las Vegas City Hall. I knew that the situation was beyond his control & he’d just given his 10k savings to my mom help her out but in my head all I could think of was if he hadn’t lied in the first place and had taken care of his divorce, I wouldn’t be subjected to the sleaziness of the whole situation. So, I was angry and didn’t bother to hide it but he was kind and sweet as always and let me rant and rave and get it out of my system.
The Fight:

I have all this stored-up resentment towards him and so when less than a week later after being legally married, he tells me that he’s leaving to Vegas in less than 24 hours to attend a tech convention for work and he’d be out of town for his birthday, I was floored. Obviously, he hadn’t been planning on going but found out that a friend of his was driving out there (all of his other coworkers who went had flown out earlier in the week), & he decided to get a ride from him.

I was so hurt and angry that he’d choose to go to Vegas and not spend his 1st Birthday after we got married with me. Not to mention, that “work” in Vegas at these conventions are for networking, which includes drinking, partying, and going to strip clubs. I was PISSED. I told him why I was angry before he left but he maintained that it was just business and I needed to accept that.

THEN the best part of this situation comes! When I’m angry, I tend to shut down and during his trip he’d text me he loved me and missed me but I wouldn’t respond except to email him an angry email explaining exactly why I was mad.

Since, I hadn’t talked to him since he had left, I called on the day he was due back, to find out if I was picking him up  from his friend’s house. He informs me that he’s not coming back, his friend flaked and he’s flying back the next day. My first question of course, was when did you find out about the change in your travel arrangements? He had found out the day before but didn’t tell me because I was already mad.

So, now I’m just seeing red. I call him to talk and he blows me off because he’s in meetings (which pisses me off  even more because he wasn’t even supposed to be there to attend them in the first place!) So, finally, he says he has one meeting left and he’ll call me from his hotel room & I’m angry at being blown off and yell that I don’t want him to call me (because I’m so mature when I’m angry, obviously.)

After his meeting ends, he texts me to say “I love you” so I assume he’s done and I call him. He’s in the bar with his friend who’s just a friend in town (not a coworker) and it’s loud and hard to talk and I’m yelling at him and finally he says, that he can’t hear anymore and can we talk later. I tell him to go up to his hotel room so we can talk and he says, “Why, what do you want to talk about?” Granted, we’re not getting anywhere with our arguing but I felt that he should care enough that I’m upset to go talk to me upstairs instead of partying it up at the bar with his buddies.

So now I’m at a loss. I feel that he blew me off but on the other hand, I know that our arguing wasn’t getting us anywhere but I felt the need to vent my hurt and anger. I’m at my wit’s end.

I don’t know if I’m so angry about this situation because of all my past resentments and do I have a right to be angry?  And if I’m overreacting to this situation (am I???), then how do I get over my resentment I feel for past transgressions (not in a Tiger way, of course) Or are my feelings valid in this case?

~MY THOUGHTS

Foundations are built to support the buildings that sit on top of them.  Your foundation was one huge, crumbling lie.  You thought  he was divorced.  He wasn’t.  You thought  the relationship part of his marriage was over months before it was.  It wasn’t.  These were huge, huge red flags indicating his level of character.

The entire Vegas fight — as well as every other fight of this nature that will be happening — is really just a symptom of the larger problem.  You don’t trust him.  You shouldn’t  trust him at this point.  You say that you’re “not the type” to go through a guy’s cell phone, but you did.  It’s because you know something is wrong.  All couples have disagreements, but I suspect yours will be magnified and multiplied because it’s always going to revert back to “I can’t believe  you didn’t tell me you were married and we had to have a stupid wedding!”.  Unsteady foundation, shaky building.  See the connection?

Also, you had to have a faux ceremony in Las Vegas (Incidentally, could God have been screaming at you any louder?  When you have to have a fake wedding because your new husband is still married to someone else, it’s a sign that you need to review  your circumstances), but that wasn’t “beyond his control.”  He has major ownership in this situation.  Due to his dishonesty, his divorce (the you thought already happened) wasn’t finalized in time.  Why are you making excuses for his role in this whole disaster?  If I didn’t know better, according to your words, I’d almost think you were accepting of  his actions.  Here’s a sampling of the excuses you’ve offered as a way to explain his screw-ups:

• since he hadn’t been divorced before, he didn’t realize that because they had already sold their house and split their assets and didn’t have children, that it wouldn’t cost thousands in legal fees
• I understood that. In my last relationship even though it was irretrievably broken, we held on for over a year.
• I knew that the situation was beyond his control
• he was kind and sweet as always and let me rant and rave and get it out of my system.
• didn’t tell me because I was already mad.
• I know that our arguing wasn’t getting us anywhere
• not in a Tiger way, of course

When you separate the wheat from the chaff, here are the facts.  (Also your words):

• he wasn’t divorced yet.
• he lied to me
• he and his wife had been spending time and hooking up together & thinking about having a baby together up until about 4 months before he met me.
• he never followed through with divorce proceedings
• he tells me that he’s leaving to Vegas in less than 24 hours to attend a tech convention for work
• He had found out the day before but didn’t tell me because I was already mad.
• he blew me off

Are you ever really  going to be okay with this list?

Here’s the bottom line:  Based on what you’ve shared, you and your husband need some serious counseling if you have an interest in fixing this.  When faced with a situation that he’d rather not deal with (i.e. you two are fighting, you’re upset, he has something to tell you that he knows will anger you) he avoids instead of confronts.  Possibly a maturity issue.  In turn, you are a willing participant in that, even when you discover the ugly truth, you’re willing to “let it go” or try to “get over it” in order to keep peace.  You’re angry, he can’t undo his deeds, nothing ever gets resolved.  This behavior will continue to plague your marriage if it doesn’t get fixed.

FAT-FREE VERSION:  COUNSELING.  ALSO, WHY ARE YOU SO WILLING TO TURN A BLIND EYE TO FACTS AND INDICATORS THAT YOU SHOULD BE STARING DIRECTLY AT?

~YOUR THOUGHTS

My mom used to trust me, she doesn’t anyone, so therefor, she won’t let me go out, she won’t let me have my own password on MY laptop, and she follows me, when she DOES let me go out. My mom and I have been fighting like this ever since i started dating this boy. We started dating about three months ago, and I REALLY like him, she won’t let me do anything with him. I cannot even go to the place that he lives and hang out with my friends anymore, I need your help, majorly. I feel like my mom hates me, and doesn’t have faith in me, becuase she should know that I wouldn’t ever get pregnant or any of that stupid junk,
I am only thirteen years old, I know – shocker, but I am. She thinks that I will do anything and everything wrong, or at least “not her way.” She says when I turn eighteen, then I can make my own decisions, I hate that phrase. I don’t want her to use it anymore, I want my moms trust back, PLEASE – PLEASE – PLEASEEEEEE let me know how I can do so. Please ; & Thankyou.

~MY THOUGHTS

Without knowing all the facts, it’s tough to say exactly what is going on between  you and your mom.  Did you do something to betray your mother’s trust?  In other words, did you earn this surveillance? 

I remember what 13 feels like.  Believe me.  I. DO.  Your outlook is very normal for this stage of your life.  I also completely relate to your mother’s perspective of wanting to protect you from all the things in this world that you think you can handle and she fears you cannot.

I wish I could explain to you just how dicey life can get, but I know that you’ll just roll your eyes and quickly determine that I don’t understand.  Again, that is exactly how a 13 year-old would react.  As a former teenager, I understand that; I remember what it felt like to feel just worlds apart from my mother.

There must be a place of compromise.  I recently had another question very similar to yours.  Please read that post and perhaps try some of the same reasonings and negotiations with your mom.  Most of all, try to remember that your mom’s reaction comes from a place of fear and intense love.  As a mom I understand that, too. 

FAT-FREE VERSION:  READ THIS!

So, one day I just stopped getting advice questions over here at Well Honestly Now.  It was odd, but I figured my non-breeder readers had jumped ship after I moved the family stuff over to Mommytopia.

Today, in anticipation of the new year, I cleaned out my massive e-mail inboxes and found valid emails that went straight to my spam folder.  I feel simply horrible, even though I’m pretty sure that none of your worlds stopped spinning on their axes just because I didn’t reply, but still …

I believe I was able to gather all of the missed emails and responses have been posted for all of them.

WHN is back up and running for 2010 and I look forward to hearing what you have to say and sharing my insight in that brutal and unflinching way you’ve come to love expect.