~YOUR THOUGHTS
Dear Wendie,
I came across your site via the most-excellent Dipped in Cream blog, and was immediately intrigued. A website offering brutally honest, sage advice, sans the self-help crap? Yes please.
My question concerns a guy I met last summer. I type “guy” because I”m not sure whether to classify him as a boy or a man, really -his behaviour has veered so far between the two, I’m just not sure what to think. I met this guy -let’s call him Kermit – at a party of a mutual friend; we kept in touch, with him initiating much of the contact via Facebook. Eventually, after much back-and-forthing and several great phone conversations (in which I discovered we had a lot of shared interests), he invited me to a local gallery, where we spent a wonderful afternoon. It turned into a date, and I think we genuinely enjoyed one another’s company. There was a lot of wonderful connecting, verbal and otherwise, and I could tell he was attracted to me. The feeling was mutual.
After art-going we had drinks and he broached me on the subject of an idea he had to start a related visual art event. We exchanged ideas, and during one idea-toss-up, Kermit dropped a rather huge bomb: he is related to a famous person whom I used to know many moons ago. I didn’t know his relation as well as I knew the super-crazy famous folk he associates with, one man in particular. (I was very young and very foolish back then.) I intimated that I had known his relation -and the man he associates with -without dropping too much, since I didn’t think it was appropriate, nor any of Kermit’s business.
Anyway, as time wore on, the idea of this visual art event grew larger, and I agreed to be an organizer. Since the whole thing was new, there wasn’t any pay but I really, truly liked Kermit, and I thought it was a really neat idea. We’d spent an evening out at a popular social gathering during this time, and though he knew a myriad of people there, he stuck by me the entire night, and we even ran around for drinks afterwards, though there wasn’t any intimacy beyond a close hug goodbye.
As the day of the event drew closer, Kermit began calling me several times a day, with the initial “helloooo”, very friendly-like, followed by a barrage of ideas and inquiries regarding my progress in organizing for this event. No inquiries how I was doing, which struck me as inconsiderate, since I’d told him I was suffering a fairly serious illness at the time. I began feeling disillusioned in his interest, especially since he had indicated early on that he would be open to arranging a reunion with this man I’d been involved with (let’s call him Man From My Past). There weren’t any promises, I hasten to point out, but he had written down in his moleskin about arranging something (where he wrote all things very important), and he seemed very earnest and sincere when I told him a brief bit about my past connection. I have no idea how much or little he may have assumed from what I said, but I was excited out of my head at the prospect of seeing MFMP (Man From My Past) again. It
felt important to clear away that old stuff, even if I wasn’t remembered. That wasn’t important to me; what mattered was seeing MFMP again and letting that old (young) person who loved him go once and for all.
As it turns out, no reunion was organized. Two weeks before the event, Kermit met and spent a good amount of time with both his relation and MFMP and he didn’t bother to tell me; he only posted a few photos on his Facebook wall, so I found out along with the rest of his small circle publicly. Meanwhile, I’d arranged nearly the entire event, organizing speakers, catering, technology, media etc. We had a blow-up about it, and though he initially accused me of a “tit for tat” attitude, he eventually apologized. I still liked Kermit (a lot), so I accepted his apology and thought maybe I had expected too much.
In the lead-up to the event, I emailed team members, thanking them (Kermit never did) and keeping everyone updated on activities. I also got Kermit into an important event related to the one he was putting on (for networking purposes), and invited him to another as my guest, thinking this exposure would be good for him and the event. I only learned later (from his own mouth) that he’d spent further time with his relation and MFMP (Man From My Past) not 24 hours after our blow-up. Needless to say, I was very hurt -devastated, in fact. Utterly devatated.
It got even worse when, during event meetings, he would credit one team member (a longtime friend of his) with accolades I felt were undeserved, especially since Kermit hadn’t really acknowledged me (or anyone else) publicly, and this person he was crediting had been rude to me on several occasions. At the event itself, he read off his thank-yous and mispronounced my name. Several other friends and family of his were there, and none were introduced. I went through a very, very rough time, realizing, among other things, how I’d been used, how I’d let myself trust him, and thanking Christ we had hadn’t had sex. I also had to acknowledge how much it meant for me to see MFMP again, if I’d had the chance. Kermit probably sensed I was cold to him during the event, and he emailed me later to say he was sensing “really bad vibes” from me, asking if anything was wrong. I sent a carefully-worded letter of withdrawl to him and the entire team, and I later spoke with Kermit on the teleph
one; he’d called me, and it was a general, bland conversation. He’s written on my Facebook wall a couple times since then (now many months ago), but no calls, and no messages. He did respond to one request I’d made regarding a reference letter, but hasn’t done anything since.
I’m haunted because I know I need to wash Kermit out of my system. Friends of mine have advised to simply move on and ignore him, but I’m finding it really hard, especially since I never really had proper closure. Kermit has always been in a very privileged position (financially and otherwise), whereas I’ve always had to work for everything. We have had drastically different lives and yet there are some key things we share, too. I really want to confront him in a neutral setting and simply state how much I was hurt by his behaviour, but I don’t want it to turn into a confrontation. There’s also the slim chance of another reunion with MFMP soon; I’d already made it clear to Kermit, numerous times, that I didn’t like him simply for his connections, and I meant it. But now, with his second event (done without my help) garnering mainstream media attention, I’m kind of feeling that it might be nice for him to repay the favour to me by initiating this -I’m just not sure he will.
What do I do? Should I let Kermit go, floating into the ever-vanishing ether of my past, and use my own wiles to try for a reunion with this other man? Or should I try to muster whatever chemistry was there with Kermit, ignore the past, and say que sera sera? I’m unsure, but I’m also sick of being a walking victim of all this bad judgment and nasty karma. Arrgh. Help.
~MY THOUGHTS
From where I’m sitting, this is how I see it: Kermit is a user and he successfully used you to help put on a big event. Also, just because he has a connection to a man from your past, it is in no way his responsibility to arrange some sort of reunion. Perhaps he feels used by you too.
Truth be told, Kermit is someone that you felt a connection to, it ended up being a scenario of what you could do for one another, and a need for closure isn’t really appropriate or necessary.
FAT-FREE VERSION: Listen to your friends.
