I am very proud to present Aspie’s very own website.  He’s going to work this summer on articulating feelings, thoughts and experiences on a more human, less Star Wars-related fashion.  It’s going to be a journey…

Without further ado:

www.aspieville.com

~YOUR THOUGHTS~

I met a boy at a summer abroad program and he’s still there. The whole time we hung out he was doing school and was extremely busy. He made a lot of time for me my last week and I felt like we were getting more close. We had sex the last week and he’s only slept with 2 girls before me and I have slept with quite a few more He didn’t want to get close to me at the beginning because he was afraid because it was going to end and he didn’t want to have sex with someone he doesn’t really feels something about cause he didn’t want to regret it.
He’s still at school and I haven’t really talked to him since I left except a facebook message he left me and a phone call I made to him when I got back. We live in different states and such, but I’m head over heels for this boy.
The problem - I don’t know if this was just a summer fling and I don’t know if I should take it as one. The day that I was leaving I walked him to my flat door and he said asked if I had his American number and if he had mine and that he’d write me on facebook and that he’d miss me and blah blah.
I called him today, but he had to call me back (which I’m doubtful he will) because he was working. This is his last week and the whole thing has to be finished this week.
So am I wasting my time and should I chop this up to a fling or should I see if it’s something more? I really like him and judging by his past it makes me think that he really did/does like me. Should I ask him about it or give him time to finish school then talk to him or just give up in general? The long distance thing is hard, but I feel comfortable about trying if he is too..

~MY THOUGHTS~

Long distance relationships are really hard.  This is a subject that’s close to my heart — It’s how my husband and I started out.  It took a ton of patience and commitment.

This is what I’d do:  Tell him that you like him a lot.  See how he feels about trying something long distance.  Find out if it’s something he’s willing to do.  Because you don’t want to attempt a LDR without both parties being 100% on board with it.  You never want to go forward in your life wondering what could have been, if only you’d been brave enough to ask.  So ask.

He was clear in voicing his concerns about becoming close with someone who lived so far away.  It’s important to listen to that stuff, because now you’ve had sex and there are so many feelings involved.  It makes “goodbye” so much more difficult.

FAT-FREE VERSION:  Tell him how you feel, Listen to how he feels, Give it your all if you can agree, Let go and keep the memories close if you cannot.

~YOUR THOUGHTS~

“Susie Q wants your opinion…what is the appropriate consequence for a 15-year-old who gets less than adequate grades on the last report card of the year?? There’s no make-up work…it’s summer. Can’t take away the car…no license yet. I’m stumped.”

~MY THOUGHTS~

Easy.  No phone! No computer!

~YOUR THOUGHTS~

I am 28 years old, and I have been married for nearly 2 years. My husband and I married after 8 months of dating. We have had more bad times than good, I’m saddened to write.

Any suggestions on what I should do? I appreciate you even reading this rambling if you have. Thank you.

~MY THOUGHTS~

Let’s see:  your husband contributes nothing emotional, financially or physically to the marriage.  You are the sole breadwinner, you have no one to talk to, no affection and you get to watch the back of his head while he plays World of Warcraft or some other such nonsense.  When you voice your needs you are met with a passive-aggressive response of “You needing makes me feel bad.”  Oh, and I know plenty of extremely devout people that have a completely wicked sense of humor.  Read here if you don’t believe me.

I have bad news for you.  You aren’t really married.  You may be legally bound but there is no partnership here.  No team, no union.  I’m sure this is why your pastor counseled you to leave.

Write a list of what positive things he contributes to your life.  What does he provide to you that you couldn’t really provide for yourself?  I mean, if you’re desiring someone in your life who likes to laze around all day and give you critical glances, get a cat.

Yeah, he probably is depressed.  I’m sure playing his video game and his unwillingness to get a job are ways that he gets to check out of life and let you shoulder the responsibility of, well, everything.  What a fortuitous situation for him.

What were your reasons for marrying this man?  Did you fear that you were running out of time to find the perfect mate?  Was he completely different prior to marrying — i.e. was he employed and functional?  Because what concerns me more than his actions are yours.

Listen, I don’t know you, but I do know this:  You are worthy.  We all are worth being cherished.  I’m concerned when you say you don’t mind if he’s unemployed.  You should.  This isn’t acceptable.  Relationships cannot be carried by one person.  It saddens me that you don’t believe in happily every after.  I promise you that it can exist.  You can work (and by “you” I mean “two people in a relationship”) on challenges and still be happy — it’s not an either or kind of thing.

You know, sometimes when I receive questions, I get a sense of things that haven’t actually been written.  And what I’m sensing is that you got exactly what you expected.  That you entered this relationship expecting it to be a ton of struggle.  Maybe that’s your definition of what marriage looks like based on your own observations growing up.  Marriage does not work like this.  You need to completely revamp the prototype of what love and respect is supposed to look like.

My advice would be as follows:  Stop trying to help, fix, cajole, encourage and guide your husband.  You are expending a lot of energy on a man who doesn’t seem to have any interest in responding to the call.  Do you have health insurance?  Find a counselor and start working on you.  The man you chose is but a symptom of something much deeper:  you don’t think you are worth more than this and that makes me very sad.

UPDATE:  The original poster emailed to let me know that her husband left.  Friend, this is so, so painful.  I know what you are going through, having suffered the loss of my first marriage.  Please take this opportunity to start working on you.  Never, ever love a man more than you love yourself.

FAT-FREE VERSION:  Stop rescuing, Prioritize yourself, Redefine the vision.

Not just with the advice questions that I receive, but in real life and with friends and on television dramas, there is this unrealistic expectation about love.  There exists these romanticized versions of what love can do.  Love conquers all.  All we need is love.  Love can weather any storm.  Unconditional love.  Honestly?  Bullshit.

Love is an emotion.  It can be all-consuming and override logic and values and common sense.  It’s so commanding.  But it’s just a feeling.  Why do we give it such authority that it really shouldn’t have?

I’ve loved and loved hard.  But love never meant I had to stay.  It can’t be the decision-maker.  I can’t give it that power.  I have to ignore my heart when choices need to be made.  My heart is tricky, and manipulative and rarely lucid.  My mind is where all the truths that I hold truly live.  Oh, how I’ve tried to silence the brain because I’ve preferred what the heart was saying.

Love, given to another — children excluded — can’t really do anything.  It can’t fix stuff.  No matter how strong I’ve loved, it didn’t sober up the user, it didn’t motivate the slacker.  The cheaters still strayed and the abusers still hit.  I learned that intensifying my level and actions of love didn’t result in the betterment of its recipient.  The truly healthy person accepts the normal, healthy serving of love I have to give.  It’s enough.

It’s so funny.  In my past, I spent so much time trying to love people right, love them the way they needed, yet put no energy into loving myself.  Why do we humans spend so much time and effort on loving others and so little on loving ourselves?