~YOUR THOUGHTS~
I am 28 years old, and I have been married for nearly 2 years. My husband and I married after 8 months of dating. We have had more bad times than good, I’m saddened to write.
My husband has an aversion to the following: affection, conversation, and responsibility. He likely suffers from depression (I say this based on a series of events, one including him curling into a fetal position and crying when I asked him to get a job. Not joking.).
I honestly don’t mind the responsibility being laid on me. I have an excellent job and a Type A personality. What I struggle with is his lack of emotion. He is addicted to an online video game, and spends hours a day playing. When I come home from work, I would like him to kiss me. He gets impatient and visibly uncomfortable when I try. Additionally, he lacks a sense of humor because of his strict religious views, and his topics of “conversation” almost never stray from nuclear holocaust and how I need to exercise more.
I must also mention that I have no filter any more when I speak to him. I have said some very hurtful things to him without consideration of his feelings.
All attempts at getting help have failed. We’ve tried talking to our pastor (who then personally counseled me to get divorced … which was strange), we’ve tried talking to other married couples, etc. I know our problems aren’t unique - google searching every day has led me to see countless other marriages in the same situation.
I’m at a loss. I’ve tried giving him space. I’ve tried spelling out my needs to him. He says he notices I’ve given him space, but that he requires even more alone time because of his personality. He says when I detail my needs (affection and conversation) that I make him feel like a loser and a failure for not meeting them (instead of even attempting).
I have a feeling you will suggest he gets some treatment for depression. Unfortunately, he absolutely refuses.
I don’t want to get divorced. I don’t believe in happily ever after. I think no matter who I am with, I will have to work hard at it. I just want there to be a little less work at some point.
Any suggestions on what I should do? I appreciate you even reading this rambling if you have. Thank you.
~MY THOUGHTS~
Let’s see: your husband contributes nothing emotional, financially or physically to the marriage. You are the sole breadwinner, you have no one to talk to, no affection and you get to watch the back of his head while he plays World of Warcraft or some other such nonsense. When you voice your needs you are met with a passive-aggressive response of “You needing makes me feel bad.” Oh, and I know plenty of extremely devout people that have a completely wicked sense of humor. Read here if you don’t believe me.
I have bad news for you. You aren’t really married. You may be legally bound but there is no partnership here. No team, no union. I’m sure this is why your pastor counseled you to leave.
Write a list of what positive things he contributes to your life. What does he provide to you that you couldn’t really provide for yourself? I mean, if you’re desiring someone in your life who likes to laze around all day and give you critical glances, get a cat.
Yeah, he probably is depressed. I’m sure playing his video game and his unwillingness to get a job are ways that he gets to check out of life and let you shoulder the responsibility of, well, everything. What a fortuitous situation for him.
What were your reasons for marrying this man? Did you fear that you were running out of time to find the perfect mate? Was he completely different prior to marrying — i.e. was he employed and functional? Because what concerns me more than his actions are yours.
Listen, I don’t know you, but I do know this: You are worthy. We all are worth being cherished. I’m concerned when you say you don’t mind if he’s unemployed. You should. This isn’t acceptable. Relationships cannot be carried by one person. It saddens me that you don’t believe in happily every after. I promise you that it can exist. You can work (and by “you” I mean “two people in a relationship”) on challenges and still be happy — it’s not an either or kind of thing.
You know, sometimes when I receive questions, I get a sense of things that haven’t actually been written. And what I’m sensing is that you got exactly what you expected. That you entered this relationship expecting it to be a ton of struggle. Maybe that’s your definition of what marriage looks like based on your own observations growing up. Marriage does not work like this. You need to completely revamp the prototype of what love and respect is supposed to look like.
My advice would be as follows: Stop trying to help, fix, cajole, encourage and guide your husband. You are expending a lot of energy on a man who doesn’t seem to have any interest in responding to the call. Do you have health insurance? Find a counselor and start working on you. The man you chose is but a symptom of something much deeper: you don’t think you are worth more than this and that makes me very sad.
UPDATE: The original poster emailed to let me know that her husband left. Friend, this is so, so painful. I know what you are going through, having suffered the loss of my first marriage. Please take this opportunity to start working on you. Never, ever love a man more than you love yourself.
FAT-FREE VERSION: Stop rescuing, Prioritize yourself, Redefine the vision.